Define Goodness
by AlexisKeller
Summary: Caroline dies, and the others try to deal with it. "I want to go places I haven't been." Daroline, Stelena, MattxJeremyxBonnie friendship.


It's raining hard outside when Caroline dies. There's thunder and there's lightning, and it's cold, so very cold, even for December.

The harsh weather seems fitting enough, he thinks in a daze, considering how they're all huddled around Caroline, crying their hearts out at the scene playing out in front of them.

Matt watches as she lies on the floor of the Salvatore house, her beautiful face still beautiful as ever, even when it's pale and she's fighting hard just to breathe.

_She's cold_, he realizes suddenly, as he sees her shiver subtly once. His hand itches for something—_anything_—that can help her. He spots a blue jacket on the couch, and before he can even move, Bonnie reaches over him and snags it urgently, laying it over Caroline.

His heart wrenches as he sits next to her on his knees, tears freely streaming down his face. He resumes watching her helplessly—her head was on Elena's lap and her blond hair is fanned out beneath her. She's holding Damon's hand, whispering something to him sweetly—_because she's not Caroline if she isn't sweet, kind and beautiful_, Matt thinks—and her other hand is clenched by Bonnie, Stefan and Jeremy and himself.

There's something terrible tearing at his heart right now, an ache he knew would be here to stay, and he cries even harder. Nobody notices, because they're all sobbing, crying and screaming and nobody can help them, nobody can help _her_.

Her eyes close then, and Damon cries out hoarsely. "Caroline? _Caroline!_"

But nothing. She's _dead_.

The wind blows in again, harsh as ever, and Matt whips his head around to see where it's coming from. The door, he remembers, is open. And just like that, Matt is reminded of how much he hated Tyler.

It was obvious what was happening when they all had returned to the Salvatore house with Tyler in wolf form, leaning over Caroline and baring claws and teeth.

I don't care _why_ Tyler did it, Matt thinks to himself in dark rage. He _killed_ her. She's dead.

And in that moment Matt hates him more than anything.

**.~*~.**

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><p><strong>.~*~.<strong>

He's lying on his couch when he hears the doorbell ring. He ignores it just like he's been ignoring everything else because he just doesn't care anymore.

Because Caroline's dead. And Tyler _killed_ her.

Of course, five minutes after Caroline's last breath, Damon went all crazy vampire around town in search of Tyler. Stefan, too. Even Bonnie went with them, while Matt and Jeremy had stayed next to Elena, letting her cry as much as she could in that cold, dark living room.

But even days later, nobody found Tyler. He'd just disappeared. Damon had promised to tear his neck slowly away from his body and show Tyler what sweet torture truly was. And Matt had believed him. He'd even sweared that he'd help.

But now, back in his couch, he thinks about how this isn't any normal death. It's _Caroline_. An integral part of them, and she's gone. She had light in her, and strength, and now she's just… not here. Hell, even Elena's went all crazy trying to kill vampires, bad or not. But Caroline—she was _so good. _And if she's gone, was there any hope for the rest of them?

It must have been days later. A week, maybe? He isn't sure. He simply stares at the ceiling like he's been doing for ages, and ignores the doorbell as it rings again.

And again. And again, and again.

He grabs the cushion next to him tightly, willing his doorbell assaulter away. But whoever the stubborn asshole at his door was, they wouldn't budge. If he'd venture a guess, he'd say the stubborn asshole-ness was very Damon, but Matt doubted Damon would be knocking at his door anytime soon.

He could easily check who it was, though. He could stand up and look through the window. But he didn't. He didn't want to, because he just didn't care about anything anymore. He just wanted to sit here and dissolve in nothingness.

Why? Because every Sunday morning, Caroline used to bring him fresh cookies she'd bake herself, knowing that there was nothing worth a damn in his fridge, ever—except for pizza boxes and beer. Because she was always so effortlessly good at everything, and used to tutor him in US History, given that he sucked at it. Because he missed how pretty she was, prompting Damon to threaten him for 'putting the moves on his girl,' all the time. Because he missed her presence and how she lit everything up like a freaking Christmas tree.

And he couldn't help her when he watched her die.

So Matt keeps on ignoring the stubborn asshole, and continues staring at the ceiling. Suddenly, the sound of a sharp ringing snaps him out of his trance-like gazing.

_Phone_, he thinks to himself. It's just my phone.

He wonders who would even be calling him right now. He knew his friends well enough—they were still grieving, he knows it. He's sure.

_So who is it?_ He wonders. Can't be Jeremy. Can't be Bonnie. Can't be Elena. Or Stefan. Definitely can't be Damon. Not his mom, either; she was probably busy drinking at some skanky club in God knows whatever town she'd managed to hitch a ride to.

Anyway.

So his phone keeps ringing, and he swears its only curiosity that makes him actually move to pick it up from the table next to him to check the caller ID.

Apparently he doesn't know his friends well enough.

It's Jeremy.

He considers throwing his phone across the room for a minute, but dismisses the idea quickly. Jeremy was his best friend. He owed it to Jeremy to not just disappear, not now.

So he answers.

"So you're the stubborn asshole?" Matt asks humorlessly.

Jeremy snorts, "Ha, ha. Open up, asshole. I've been ringing the bell like some unhinged psycho for the past fifteen minutes. Where the hell are you?"

Matt quiets down. Just one exchange with Jeremy reminds him of how it used to be, ever since they were kids. How they used to goof off like idiots and go back to Jeremy's place and annoy the hell out Elena, Bonnie and… Caroline.

The pain hits him like a thousand knives in his heart, and he can't believe Jeremy's here acting like everything's fine.

"_No_," he hisses into the phone, and then throws it across the room.

It's a few moments later when he hears Jeremy curse loudly, and begin kicking his door.

But Matt doesn't care. Because nothing—_nothing at all_—will ever be the same again. He wasn't moving from here. Not right now, anyway. So Jeremy could fucking tear down his door for all he cares.

And he doesn't. Care, that is.

He shuddered to himself. Even his vocabulary was reminding him of Caroline. _Oh, come on, dude. Get it together_, he tells himself pointlessly.

But then the kicking gets louder, and Matt suspects that Jeremy wasn't walking away from this—oh no, he wasn't. As the kicking gets even louder, Matt bolts upright in horror.

_The fucker is really trying to kick my door down_.

The kicking stops abruptly, and Matt questions his best friend's state of mind. What the hell is Jer thinking? If Matt's lost it, then Jeremy's clearly has his brain fried.

After a silent pause, he heard the loud screech of the hinges coming loose with one final blow. And then Jeremy strolls in casually with his hands in his pockets.

Matt shoots up, ignoring the sharp pain coursing through his leg due to being unused for so long, and spits out, "Fuck you, man. Fuck you."

Jeremy grins, and even though it's weak, once again Matt is reminded of how everything used to be. How everything was, before she died. Before he turned into a slob who wouldn't get off his own couch to answer his fucking door. Before he had hollowness accumulated in him. Just _before_.

"Sorry, man. You know I don't roll that way," he grins again. Matt notices that it's not the usual cheery smile the young Gilbert always had imprinted to his face—it doesn't touch his eyes, and it's clearly missing something.

Matt turns away from his best friend, collapsing back on the couch. "What are you doing here, Jer?"

Jeremy loses the grin and flops down next to him. He's silent for a long time before he clears his throat to begin, "I miss her too, you know."

Matt's eyes tighten. He doesn't want to talk about this, because talking about it makes it _real_. That's why he's been holed up in his house, away from the reality out there. But he knows Jeremy, and he knows his best friend was one of the few people who always gave him the truth, who always helped him.

And the other one of those few was Caroline.

He shakes his head. He isn't going to think about her. Or talk about her. Because it's just too much. Because then it reminds him of how much he hates Tyler, and he loathes the way that the hate simply eats at him. He wants to be here alone, just hating everything on his own.

"I don't want to talk about this." Matt states in a blank tone, but Jeremy ignores him and goes on, staring straight ahead at nothing.

"You know how weird this weekend felt at home? That's 'cause she and Bonnie always used sleep over with Elena on Fridays. All the time. And they used to cook for us, too; she used to make a kick-ass apple pie." He laughs, and it's grim. It's more of a dark, empty sound. His eyes are just as empty, and there's negativity there. Matt doesn't like it on him. Jeremy was the happy kid, not the angry, sad one. "She was so pretty too, right? And you remember the time she tried to set me up with her friend, Anna? Remember when she made Damon apologize to you for being an ass? I never thought such a day would come, I mean his face! I swear watching that was the best thing ever!"

Matt nods slightly and he vaguely notices that he's smiling. Faintly, but still smiling, "Remember when Bonnie screwed up Elena's haircut and Caroline fixed it up for her?"

Jeremy laughs, and this time it actually sounds like he means it. "She ended up with, like, shorter hair than me! Though it was honestly an improvement compared to how Bonnie had butchered it."

They laugh quietly at that one before Matt goes silent.

"What are you doing here, man?" Matt asks in a voice much quieter and tired than before. It's funny how worn-out he feels, even though all he's done ever since that day is to lounge around on his couch and stare at his ceiling. He lets the question hang in the silence, because Jeremy's still staring into space.

"It's not fair to her," he hears Jeremy whisper to himself. "I-I was thinking about this back at home. She's not going to like us bitching and complaining like this. If she sees us—I don't know if she can, but if she does—then she's going to hate it. It's not fair to her. The moment I actually got out of my room, I realized I couldn't see Elena yet. She's trapped herself in her room for the past eight days, and I just couldn't talk to her, not now. So I came here."

And then, he turns to Matt, and says with so much venom in his voice that Matt almost cringes. "It's not fair to her."

And something clicks. He gets it. Jeremy isn't going to touch the Tyler subject yet. He's strictly here for something else—Jeremy's here to get him off his ass, because God knows Caroline would hate what they're doing. They're being and talking all sad and depressed while Caroline was always the opposite. Happy, optimistic, cheerful, bright… and she wouldn't want this. Matt's not going to spew some stupidity about moving on and letting go, because he just _can't_, so that's simply out of the question. And he knows and sees it in Jeremy's face too. And he understands what Jeremy's trying to say, that they owed Caroline to be there for each other.

And so he gets up again. Jeremy looks at him in confusion, and Matt grabs his jacket, throwing it over his old red T-shirt and shoves his feet into the sneakers under the sofa on his right. His shorts are wrinkled and he looks like he's been sleeping in his clothes for a couple of days—which he has, but he doesn't care—and turns to look back at Jeremy. "So. Where to next?"

And then Jeremy flashes him a brilliant smile, for a minute looking like the bright, happy kid he's always been. "Bonnie's," is all he says, and they walk out of his house after adjusting his door in such a way that it gives the illusion of being closed and perfectly fine and not broken.

"Dude, you're going to fix that," Matt gestures over his shoulder at his door.

"Yeah, yeah."

And for a minute he doesn't feel as bad as he did when he was alone, grieving by himself.

**.~*~.**

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><p><strong>So, yeah. I don't know. I felt like writing something different, so here. Not my favorite style of writing, but this is just an experiment. This is going to have more chapters, each one centered around one person. This was Matt's chapter, the next is going to Jeremy's, and then Bonnie's and so on.<br>**

**Drop a review and let me know what you think!**

**-Lexy.**


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